Hope is...a Nomination.

Posted by - Rohit

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." - Martin Luther King.
 Great men of solid character have always lived with hope. Hope is that weapon in your arsenal that would make you witness the Haley's comet in 2061, witness Paris Hilton's steady marriage, a Ramgopal Varma hit, a Mumta Kulkarni comeback and witness Mr. PM saying "Hey...sorry". You hope, you win. Similarly, let's not be too pessimistic about India not getting nominated for the Oscars. If people can hope for The Bold and the Beautiful to end why can't we be optimistic about a simple little nomination. All we have to do is get the right members on board.
There have been many discordant voices rising against the nomination of Barfi as the official entry from India. Everybody, apart from Anurag Basu and some of his friends think that the committee appointed by the Film Federation of India should start watching movies. This is what Anurag Basu had to say -

Basu - "I'm Proud of Barfi"
Anu Malik - "Yeah dude...I feel better now."
Pritam - "Anu...*High Five*"
Basu - "And no, my movie is not the biggest collage work ever. We will win the nomination. Hope is a waking dream."
Nolan - "And you guys are in a Limbo...hah!...So you need to hope more than once. Keep hoping and you will still be dreaming. ha ha ha".

Murgadoss - "Pakaa mat be...And yeah, Aamir had more tatoos than Guy Pearce. Hah!".

To be really frank, Barfi seemed to be a promising movie, only after watching the trailer. The movie had a simple plot, with unwanted convolutions and larger than life characters with Priyanka Chopra  looking like a younger version of Susan Boyle. It, according to me was a good attempt with some stunning cinematography, but one cannot deny the fact that even though the story seemed to be original, the chunks that made the story a good watch was not original and can't be merely said to be "referred". With our board members' complete non-chalance towards some of these so called "references", the movie is all set to draw some flak. With movies like Jeans, Paheli, Hey Ram, Sagar and Devdas being selected as India's official entry to the Oscars, it is quite evident why this wait, for that elusive Nomination, is spanning decades. Looking at this trend of the selection process these days, I have formed a mental pattern of what factors are taken into account by the Oscar Selection Committee to choose a nomination. Well, this process is not complicated at all and so...

1: Shah Rukh Khan:
The one ingredient that seems to be working for Film makers to get some attention from the selection committee is Shah Rukh Khan saab's outstretched arms.
Paheli :
The selection committee member 1(SCM 1): "Paheli has SRK. He plays the role of a Ghost. Moreover, Rani says - 'I see dead people' in the movie"
The selection committee member 2(SCM 2): "Man! Do we need to watch the movie?"
SCM 1: "Nominated".

Devdas :
SCM 1: "Dude, SRK again. He plays the role of a guy who loves to drink and have sex but complaints like a woman without a credit card."
SCM 2: "Whoa! Split personality! Do we need to watch this movie?"
SCM 1: "Nominated."

Hey Ram:
SCM 1: "SRK has a small role is this movie. What say?"
SCM 2: "What is the total screen space allotted to him?"
SCM 1: "73 seconds".
SCM 2: "Ahh...even 30 would have been good."
SCM 2: "What is the movie about though?"
SCM 1: "Some guy named Ram goes to...".
SCM 2: "Doesn't matter. Nominated."


2. Should have the right credentials: 
In other words, you need a strong resume or a famous family or a family member. For instance,

SCM 1: "Boss, Jeans. Produced by Ashok Amritraj. Former tennis Player, brother of Vijay Amritraj. Has played in the US open and Wimbledon. Man! Wimbledon!"
SCM 2: "What is the movie about?"
SCM 1: "Aahh...two lovers go on a World Tour. Yeah. That is it."
    : "So, what say? Nominate?"
SCM 2: "Wimble-done! ha ha ha!"

And when it comes to Barfi:

SCM 1: "Awwwww..."
SCM 2: "Awwwwww..."
SCM 1 and SCM 2: "Nominated".


Mother India, Salaam Bombay and Lagaan. Three movies have so far made the cut and out of which one of the movie was directed by a Nair (Yaay!).
So as our very own Hellen Keller says - "Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope"... let's hope that The Bold and Beautiful ends. And as far as our nomination is concerned, let's hope for better board members for starters. Hope begins right after.

English...Tailor made.

Posted by - Rohit

Our very own alpha city Mumbai, formerly known as Bomb-hain has always been characterised by diversity. Diversity in everything ranging from varying taste of the same Kurla bakery biscuit circulated across the whole of Mumbai to having varied reactions towards girls in tube tops (Ok. Andheri doesn't react. Andheri acts). Mumbai comprises of Non-Mumbaikars (i.e the people who don't reside in Mumbai) and Mumbaikars (people who reside in Mumbai). These two entities together form Mumbai (people who consciously make an effort to scatter different colours of polythene bags across the city). This immense diversification is inevitable as people assemble to this Global city from different parts of the galaxy. But one little variation that always stands out is the dissimilitude in the English diction developed by people across Mumbai and when I say people across Mumbai, I mean Mumbaikars, Non-Mumbaikars and Bangladeshis. So, not considering Bangladeshis in our discussion here, the English spoken can be easily attributed to the speakers locality.
I was born and brought up in this city called Navi Mumbai (which apparently is a typo and should have been Nahi Mumbai or Nahi Bomb-hain). In the pursuit of finding happiness in Mumbai but in turn only finding traffic, I had to move along and have been learning and pondering about things that could only be amazing blog content.
So below I present the different types of English that co-exist in our city and what does it take to mimic them. Here's a lowdown.


Cuffe-Parade English:
60k per sq ft. Yes, that rate is as unjustified as Shilpa Shetty's 50L worth Bridal Saree. So, without anymore digression, the kind of English spoken here could be termed as sophisticated. The finesse and class that these people possess easily supersedes that of our very own Bond Girl...The Queen. If you want to speak Cuffe-Parade English all you need to do is stretch the words at certain areas. See to it that whenever you stretch it, you stretch it carefully or else it might sound like English spoken in Delhi. For instance your friend Soniya should be pronounced as, Sawn-ya; your friend Farha should now be Faa-ra. In short, Farhan becomes Foreign. Whenever you say "Are you sure you would have that?" just see to that you make the Rs, Ds and Ts in the end almost silent or treat them as residents of Vashi, which transforms the aforementioned sentence into "Aah you show you wou haav tha?".


Lokhandwaala English:
Also known as the land of struggling actors from Delhi. The kind of English spoken here could be attributed to our wannabe Raj Malhotras and Simrans who finally make it to Splitsvilla. To speak this kind of English you need to use a lot of 'a's and 'the's, just like Mayawati's usage of Elephant statues or interchange the use of 'a's with 'the's. Plus, the rule of stretching words; stretch your Cuffe-Parade English just a bit more and fill it in with some Hindi words here and there. Let us use one of the most frequently used lines in Lokhandwaala -
"Sir, give me one chance. I have what it takes." And it now becomes - "Sir, give me the one chance, I have the talent and junoon. This is the passion. Just one a chance."


Kandivali/ Borivali English:
Kandivali/ Borivali is in Gujarat. They don't speak English out there. Sorry for this section.


Ulhasnagar English:
Ulhasnagar is nothing but Sindh recreated just that the population of Sindhis is more than what Sindh could have ever thought of having. To learn the kind of English spoken here is the most simple. For instance, just carry on with the normal stream of words that you come across, example - "I think we can do business out here and the prospects of...", then go on and on, "Oh yes Dahi Koki for dinner...and yeah business...", but always, always conclude with "Jai Mata di" or "Om Sai Ram" or "Jhulelal Mandir Rocks".


Bandra English:
Once priced possession of the Portuguese, it's name apparently derived from the Urdu word "Bandar", it was then taken over by the British but then finally Vandre happened. So Bandra/ Vandre is the so called Queen of the Suburb and as a result an ideal troubled child. So here in Vandre, we have the English diction which can be considered to be an amalgamation of Portugese, British and Marathi diction. The only British part about the diction is that it sounds like English. To speak the Bandra way, you need to speak fast and use the word 'men' every time you breathe. Use the word 're' after every 5 cycles of  inhalation and exhalation. Use short sentences, for example
"Where are you going?" becomes "Where men?";
"What on Earth do you think you are doing?" becomes "What re? ha?".


Well, there are more variations though and they might only get better with my experiences. And as far as my English is concerned, it's not derived, influenced or characterized by locality. It's used in it's purest form. Even though my father speaks in Matunga-Dadar English wherein 'P' and 'B' work synonymously, I have a mild British accent which comes naturally.