English...Tailor made.

Posted by - Rohit

Our very own alpha city Mumbai, formerly known as Bomb-hain has always been characterised by diversity. Diversity in everything ranging from varying taste of the same Kurla bakery biscuit circulated across the whole of Mumbai to having varied reactions towards girls in tube tops (Ok. Andheri doesn't react. Andheri acts). Mumbai comprises of Non-Mumbaikars (i.e the people who don't reside in Mumbai) and Mumbaikars (people who reside in Mumbai). These two entities together form Mumbai (people who consciously make an effort to scatter different colours of polythene bags across the city). This immense diversification is inevitable as people assemble to this Global city from different parts of the galaxy. But one little variation that always stands out is the dissimilitude in the English diction developed by people across Mumbai and when I say people across Mumbai, I mean Mumbaikars, Non-Mumbaikars and Bangladeshis. So, not considering Bangladeshis in our discussion here, the English spoken can be easily attributed to the speakers locality.
I was born and brought up in this city called Navi Mumbai (which apparently is a typo and should have been Nahi Mumbai or Nahi Bomb-hain). In the pursuit of finding happiness in Mumbai but in turn only finding traffic, I had to move along and have been learning and pondering about things that could only be amazing blog content.
So below I present the different types of English that co-exist in our city and what does it take to mimic them. Here's a lowdown.

Cuffe-Parade English:
60k per sq ft. Yes, that rate is as unjustified as Shilpa Shetty's 50L worth Bridal Saree. So, without anymore digression, the kind of English spoken here could be termed as sophisticated. The finesse and class that these people possess easily supersedes that of our very own Bond Girl...The Queen. If you want to speak Cuffe-Parade English all you need to do is stretch the words at certain areas. See to it that whenever you stretch it, you stretch it carefully or else it might sound like English spoken in Delhi. For instance your friend Soniya should be pronounced as, Sawn-ya; your friend Farha should now be Faa-ra. In short, Farhan becomes Foreign. Whenever you say "Are you sure you would have that?" just see to that you make the Rs, Ds and Ts in the end almost silent or treat them as residents of Vashi, which transforms the aforementioned sentence into "Aah you show you wou haav tha?".

Lokhandwaala English:
Also known as the land of struggling actors from Delhi. The kind of English spoken here could be attributed to our wannabe Raj Malhotras and Simrans who finally make it to Splitsvilla. To speak this kind of English you need to use a lot of 'a's and 'the's, just like Mayawati's usage of Elephant statues or interchange the use of 'a's with 'the's. Plus, the rule of stretching words; stretch your Cuffe-Parade English just a bit more and fill it in with some Hindi words here and there. Let us use one of the most frequently used lines in Lokhandwaala -
"Sir, give me one chance. I have what it takes." And it now becomes - "Sir, give me the one chance, I have the talent and junoon. This is the passion. Just one a chance."

Kandivali/ Borivali English:
Kandivali/ Borivali is in Gujarat. They don't speak English out there. Sorry for this section.

Ulhasnagar English:
Ulhasnagar is nothing but Sindh recreated just that the population of Sindhis is more than what Sindh could have ever thought of having. To learn the kind of English spoken here is the most simple. For instance, just carry on with the normal stream of words that you come across, example - "I think we can do business out here and the prospects of...", then go on and on, "Oh yes Dahi Koki for dinner...and yeah business...", but always, always conclude with "Jai Mata di" or "Om Sai Ram" or "Jhulelal Mandir Rocks".

Bandra English:
Once priced possession of the Portuguese, it's name apparently derived from the Urdu word "Bandar", it was then taken over by the British but then finally Vandre happened. So Bandra/ Vandre is the so called Queen of the Suburb and as a result an ideal troubled child. So here in Vandre, we have the English diction which can be considered to be an amalgamation of Portugese, British and Marathi diction. The only British part about the diction is that it sounds like English. To speak the Bandra way, you need to speak fast and use the word 'men' every time you breathe. Use the word 're' after every 5 cycles of  inhalation and exhalation. Use short sentences, for example
"Where are you going?" becomes "Where men?";
"What on Earth do you think you are doing?" becomes "What re? ha?".

Well, there are more variations though and they might only get better with my experiences. And as far as my English is concerned, it's not derived, influenced or characterized by locality. It's used in it's purest form. Even though my father speaks in Matunga-Dadar English wherein 'P' and 'B' work synonymously, I have a mild British accent which comes naturally.

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  1. Hliarious in patches, but it seems like you were trying a little too hard.
    No idea why you took the sabbatical, but hopefully it was not for any writers block, coz u usually rock. OMG THAT RHYMED!

    1. Hey Thanks man! No man, not the writer's block for sure. Girlfriend happened. So you understand, right?

  2. hahahah! Very carefully scripted about different flavors of English. I loved the Ulhasnagar part! :D And the last line is just plain and cheeky exaggeration!

    1. Blimey!! You don't believe me do you? Ohh, Sod it!!

  3. Lol.. British accent ehh? ;)Bullocks!

  4. what re ?! couldn't get anything for the Northern suburbs (also read as Kandivali ane Borivali). Where "shit!" becomes malleable into "sheet!" and "feel" gets an overdose of gzip compression transcending boundaries of correct speech to be just "fil"