Chakka Maara/ Maara Chakka

Posted by - Rohit

If I were to define Mumbai, I would say: "It's a supposed cosmopolitan city characterised by a whole lot of diversity (fought over by two brothers and none of them seem to win it)". Diversity in lives, lifestyles, etc. would always leave someone in shock and awe of this mammoth city. Railway, BEST, Slums, Shiv Sena, dirt, the Queen's Neckace, Wada Pav, Dharavi, Highways thinner than cycle lanes, Capitol talkies, The Gateway, Crawford Market, shithole suburbs and last but not the least, Eunuchs or Hijras define Mumbai.

Hijra, the Urdu word solely means "leaving ones tribe". In older India Hijras were referred to as Kinnars, a much respectable term. They are known as the third sex as most of them are born apparently male with ambiguous genitalia. The Hijra community has marked their significance right from the days of the Kama Sutra. They add a lot of colour to Mumbai and without them Mumbai would probably be deprived of it's novelty and craziness which has been an indespensible ingredient in making Mumbai what it is currently. But here in the land of look-a-likes, you would find the Hijra wannabe who dons the wig just to make easy money. So you know, just by looking at them that they are trying too hard to get in the groove. 

So let me emphasise a bit more on the other kind of Eunuchs and why and how do they contribute to your daily entertainment. Colourful, dark, fake. I don't know why they do what they do. They can be defined as stress ball stuffing, foundation puffing, flat palmed clapping and Wig donning MEN! I initially commuted in the second class, but regular bouts of Malaria and Typhoid forced my mom to flail at me some really dramatic Eminem style Malabari Rap on breaking shackles of miserly being and I've been travelling in the First Class thereafter. Eunuchs usually hover around in the second class, that is where they most of the time get their "Vasuli" (money made out of Bullying).
Their targets are usually silent, smiling individuals. I still remember in my college going days, when I was chubby  with absolutely no facial hair, I used to wear (fake) diamond studs. Those were the days when I was most targetted by Eunuchs, one of them even pulling my cheeks and pampering me. My good friend Umesh said they probably saw a potential them in me. I stopped wearing them ever since.
I would usually wade them away by a stern "Maaf karo Bhai". I remember once when this absolutely lost and forlon soul who was peeping out of the window, oblivious to what was happening in the train got slapped by a Eunuch who was probably insulted, because his flat palmed claps were falling into deaf ears.
Plus, once I was bullied by one of these men, when I was having a peaceful conversation with a girl friend who wasn't my girlfriend and the way I chickened out that day she would never want to be one.

So we (Mumbaikars in general) usually are very tolerant to all these happenings, we get squeezed, stamped, robbed, pushed, pinched, punched, and pampered too; but we still move.

Here's a bit of a trivia: In Navi Mumbai (formerly known as New Bombay), the highest abundance after Maharashtrians and Malayalees is that of Nigerians. Ok, I was exaggerating about Maharashtrians. I have absolutely no clue as to how/why has there been such a considerable influx of Nigerians. When you ask them what brings them here, they would say they are students and if you asked a middle aged Nigerian he would say that he is the father of the guy who claimed to be a student here. Hah!.

So I was once commuting back from work in a Second Class compartment and right opposite to me there was a Nigerian sitting. He seemed to be a simple, harmless guy very new to the city and culture. The compartment where we were sitting was the bigger one with 3 doors.
As we commuted, at one of the stops three Eunuchs came in one from each door, clapping profusely. I donned my serious look and practiced a couple of "Maaf Karo"s before I could actually say it out to them whereas the rest, some went to sleep, some put on their earphones, some of them dug into the newspaper and noses while the remaining were ready with their offerings. The Nigerian...cluless and culture shock written on his face.
One of them approached me, I gulped and went "Maaf Karo" (bang on target). It worked. Now the Eunuch approaching others. Some succumbed to the bullying, some acting against it. The Eunuch now saw the Nigerian who was staring back at him. (In the dialogue mode now)
The Eunuch: "A Raja, Kya dekhta hain re" (Meaning - What are you looking at Babe)
The Nigerian (say Yakubu): "..."
The Eunuch: "Dena re" (Meaning - Give it to me baby)

Me (Thinking): "No Yakubu no...don't give in to the rage. When in Mumbai, do what the Mumbaikars do. Tolerate. Can you Rap?".

Yakubu: "..." (his eyes totally focussed on the Eunuch)
The Eunuch (Now teasing): "Kya re...Dena...kya dekhta hain" (Meaning - Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me).
The Eunuch now went on to pull his cheeks...once.
Yakubu: "..." (with deathly rage in his eyes, looks back at the Eunuch).
The Eunuch now went on to pull his cheeks...once again.

Now I exactly don't know what Yakubu said entirely but it sounded something like below:
In total rage, he went;
(Nigeria currently has 521 languages, this was one of them and that was all I could derive of it)
And Yakubu stood...and SLAPPED the Eunuch real hard!
The remaining Eunuchs immediately responded to the sound by running out of the same door they came in from and the slapped Eunuch was out of there too getting his wig right with that helpless agonising cry, "Maara re..." (Meaning - Fuck, run).

Again Yakubu said something and obviously I couldn't make sense out of it nor could anyone. He was absolutely not rhythmic, as if trying to pacify Mr. Hyde within him. My sympathies are with Yakubu though since he was new to the country, going through a culture shock and seemed to be totally unaware of the crossdressing cult. One of those routine commuters alongside me looked at the funnier side of things and said "hehe...chakka maara". So Mumbaikars, pat your backs, you guys have been wonderful examples of tolerance and are unknowningly preaching Ahimsa!

So what happens when a Eunuch meets a Nigerian? Well, you come to know that not every guy who looks like Akon can Rap.

P.S: Buggers, don't call me racist now. I'm 100% not.

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  1. yh true ur nt at all racist............just aftr reading ppl may think tht even if they didnt think of it................

    but really nice thing to share ..................................................

    and yah so is this ur reason nt to wear ur diamond studs..............

    small incidents changes life drastically .............. :P

  2. Good one
    Train is such a wonderful lifeline of mumbai... and eunuch and pardesi beggers are the heartbeats of it...

    well wen eunuch approaches i just nodd and say nothin... bcoz one of my frnd told me if u say bhai to eunuchs they get annoyed... since they are kind of portray characteristics of both....

    but still never saw a eunuch taking such a hit for a chakka... and yakubu - he was simply awesome

    1. We need less bullies, else we'll have to deal with the Yakubus within us :)

  3. HAHAHAHAHA! You crazy asshole! Now I'm gonna have a split in my side for the whole day. Hilarious!

  4. The way u have described the encounter is utmost mirthful.... Such a convivial description from a third party got me In splits.... A very observant eye and an exhilarated tone .... Kudos! Kya Chaka maara hai :p

  5. Dude!!that dramatic Eminem style Malabari Rap on breaking shackles of miserly being was epic! i was like, i hear you brother! welcome to the club :D

  6. Very nice! Yakubu the Man! We need more such Yakubus in our trains... Well written!

  7. Yaba Dubi do! Kya blog likha tu!! :D
    Loved that "Maara re!" :D
    Very well written and leaves you with a smile! :)