Geeks - The Gods of Chastity?

Posted by - Rohit

We may be termed as new age mazdoors who play around with extreme combinations of Alphanumeric characters, who contribute to that piece of code which integrates into an all pervading software, for whom calculation of complex Mathematics and untangling algorithm is just a way of life, and who believe that Tom Cruise is a sane guy.

But haven't you ever thought why we haven't struck the right chord when it comes to being socially active and finally finding that girl of our dreams. But like most of our ill fated brothers we succumb to falling in love with that one dimensional pic and live with that 3 dimensional figure. Brothers...there is more to us, more to being limited to a life behind spectacles and orgasmic feelings which are only reserved for CPU specifications.
So, here is a list of don'ts. I care.

Analogies are meant for certain deductions that only make sense to us.
Yes, there would be a time when you would want to lend your shoulder to someone to lay their head on and wipe their tears, but that is just not enough as such sentiments are always coupled with words that consequently change the course of those tears. But understand, we are not good at it. Matters of the heart, such maudlinness, should be treated with little less practicality.
She - "He is getting engaged to someone else".
You (who secretly likes her) - "Hey, life here in Mumbai is faster than Internet in the US".
She - *A blank stare for 43 seconds*

Buy her stuff, don't expect her to buy your axiom.

Cuss words are just not our thing.
We are good human beings in other words. We don't hit your feelings. The human nuances is what we can't comprehend but if we get angry we talk about destruction right away.
"I hope you find love in front of a Nuclear reactor...and make love there...and hope your babies look like Stephen Hawking"
As of now, there is 0.1 percent chance of getting a girl, but you might just end up getting into the  negative quadrant with such lines and your overall chance with "any" girl can be shunned and shattered forever.
Yes, we do use some of them but they are just not powerful enough to blow the opposition away. Plus comebacks are just not good enough, just like the one below.
"What do you call a guy who is not familiar with Protons, Neutrons and Electrons - A Moron".
Teenage girls do better than that. What are you thinking?

From the Normal to the Paranormal.
So we don't think on the same lines as others do most of the time and our sense of humour, that accurately deduced scientific analogy, most of the time is comprehended as boring and absurd. So make sure that, that golden sense of humour is secured and sacred, as they would be quashed away and termed as "nerdy" one liners that don't make sense. For instance, my friends and I were playing pool when this extremely hot girl came in and joined us. While taking a shot my partner was focussing thoroughly on the dynamics and kinetics involved in hitting the cue ball and how would the ball ricochet in order to get right striped one in the right pocket and as a consequence was taking time.
Just then the other guy said "hehe...your session just timed out dude." We gave him a high five and conveyed, "Man, that was cool".
The girl went "Tch". See.
Brothers, they won't understand, they were never meant to. So the next time when you hear that nerdy joke, just go "Tch". Give him the high five after the girl has gone.

From the Paranormal to the Normal.
It's ok to try and come to a level of the expressive mortal but don't try too hard. For instance when this really good looking female colleague asked one of my team members, "Hey, the server doesn't seem to be enabled in the pool (of servers)", which made my colleague move restlessly (and with a slight smirk on his face) as if he was eagerly willing to crack something here, he went - "'s not in it's swimming suit yet...ha ha". Why?
The girl went "Tch", so did I (I learnt from the pool table incident).
This is just not what we are good at. Yes we are aware of this very old saying "When in Maharashtra do what the Malayalees do", but you really don't have to.

We just love our "Normal" Jokes. Give it away now.
Please, please give away the "Normal" joke once and for all.
Girl: "You are not normal."
You (The paramortal): "Yes because I'm not perpendicular to you."
You will be deemed by them as a weird pervert having geometrical fantasies.

There is a significant difference between those (mortals) who believe they understand Artificial Intelligence by watching Ra.One and us (the paramortals) who rightfully call it a sham. The significant difference, one, is our capability to scrutinize, ask what and why, to boldly go where no man has gone before and, second, the incapability to just not scrutinize, to not ask what and why, to be a bit less abstracted and the incapability to come out of that little world made out of equations. Which brings me to my next point -

Impersonation is good!
We need to come to terms with their terms and our (sacred) terms can be used within us. There is suggestive difference in the way we suggest things and some of them are showcased below:

Mortal: I think, I have started liking you
Paramortal: You are the only girl who talks to me.

Mortal: What is your favourite sport
Paramortal: Terrorists or Counter-terrorists?

Mortal: Would you come for a coffee.
Paramortal: Can I show you Counter Strike Cheats?

Mortal: I'm Horny
Paramortal: I'm Radioactive.

Mortal: I love Mills and Boons
Paramortal: Richard Stevens gives me Goosebumps but Korth made me cry.

Mortal: These are testing times
Paramortal: I'm in the Beta phase.

Mortal: You are just not stable
Paramortal: Your nucleus is devoid of protons.

Mortal: I'm now losing my appeal
Paramortal: I never had it.

(To be really frank, you just can't say you are horny. Being Radioactive is really cool! (I already feel like a mutant now...*swoosh*). Use it as a code word, but give away the rest or at least start working on them.)

It seems the Greek sex industry is now battered by an economic storm and people are now calling them Geeks. That's the kind of prejudice we need to dissolve. We aren't practitioners of celibacy, nor do we think it's a virtue. We are Bohemians, vagabonds, gurus, wannabe mutants, the obsessive intellectuals, the able crackerjacks and the dexterous weirdos.

I'm trying. I will arrive.

It's not late. Gods of Chastity? Revolution, 'We have arrived'.

Chakka Maara/ Maara Chakka

Posted by - Rohit

If I were to define Mumbai, I would say: "It's a supposed cosmopolitan city characterised by a whole lot of diversity (fought over by two brothers and none of them seem to win it)". Diversity in lives, lifestyles, etc. would always leave someone in shock and awe of this mammoth city. Railway, BEST, Slums, Shiv Sena, dirt, the Queen's Neckace, Wada Pav, Dharavi, Highways thinner than cycle lanes, Capitol talkies, The Gateway, Crawford Market, shithole suburbs and last but not the least, Eunuchs or Hijras define Mumbai.

Hijra, the Urdu word solely means "leaving ones tribe". In older India Hijras were referred to as Kinnars, a much respectable term. They are known as the third sex as most of them are born apparently male with ambiguous genitalia. The Hijra community has marked their significance right from the days of the Kama Sutra. They add a lot of colour to Mumbai and without them Mumbai would probably be deprived of it's novelty and craziness which has been an indespensible ingredient in making Mumbai what it is currently. But here in the land of look-a-likes, you would find the Hijra wannabe who dons the wig just to make easy money. So you know, just by looking at them that they are trying too hard to get in the groove. 

So let me emphasise a bit more on the other kind of Eunuchs and why and how do they contribute to your daily entertainment. Colourful, dark, fake. I don't know why they do what they do. They can be defined as stress ball stuffing, foundation puffing, flat palmed clapping and Wig donning MEN! I initially commuted in the second class, but regular bouts of Malaria and Typhoid forced my mom to flail at me some really dramatic Eminem style Malabari Rap on breaking shackles of miserly being and I've been travelling in the First Class thereafter. Eunuchs usually hover around in the second class, that is where they most of the time get their "Vasuli" (money made out of Bullying).
Their targets are usually silent, smiling individuals. I still remember in my college going days, when I was chubby  with absolutely no facial hair, I used to wear (fake) diamond studs. Those were the days when I was most targetted by Eunuchs, one of them even pulling my cheeks and pampering me. My good friend Umesh said they probably saw a potential them in me. I stopped wearing them ever since.
I would usually wade them away by a stern "Maaf karo Bhai". I remember once when this absolutely lost and forlon soul who was peeping out of the window, oblivious to what was happening in the train got slapped by a Eunuch who was probably insulted, because his flat palmed claps were falling into deaf ears.
Plus, once I was bullied by one of these men, when I was having a peaceful conversation with a girl friend who wasn't my girlfriend and the way I chickened out that day she would never want to be one.

So we (Mumbaikars in general) usually are very tolerant to all these happenings, we get squeezed, stamped, robbed, pushed, pinched, punched, and pampered too; but we still move.

Here's a bit of a trivia: In Navi Mumbai (formerly known as New Bombay), the highest abundance after Maharashtrians and Malayalees is that of Nigerians. Ok, I was exaggerating about Maharashtrians. I have absolutely no clue as to how/why has there been such a considerable influx of Nigerians. When you ask them what brings them here, they would say they are students and if you asked a middle aged Nigerian he would say that he is the father of the guy who claimed to be a student here. Hah!.

So I was once commuting back from work in a Second Class compartment and right opposite to me there was a Nigerian sitting. He seemed to be a simple, harmless guy very new to the city and culture. The compartment where we were sitting was the bigger one with 3 doors.
As we commuted, at one of the stops three Eunuchs came in one from each door, clapping profusely. I donned my serious look and practiced a couple of "Maaf Karo"s before I could actually say it out to them whereas the rest, some went to sleep, some put on their earphones, some of them dug into the newspaper and noses while the remaining were ready with their offerings. The Nigerian...cluless and culture shock written on his face.
One of them approached me, I gulped and went "Maaf Karo" (bang on target). It worked. Now the Eunuch approaching others. Some succumbed to the bullying, some acting against it. The Eunuch now saw the Nigerian who was staring back at him. (In the dialogue mode now)
The Eunuch: "A Raja, Kya dekhta hain re" (Meaning - What are you looking at Babe)
The Nigerian (say Yakubu): "..."
The Eunuch: "Dena re" (Meaning - Give it to me baby)

Me (Thinking): "No Yakubu no...don't give in to the rage. When in Mumbai, do what the Mumbaikars do. Tolerate. Can you Rap?".

Yakubu: "..." (his eyes totally focussed on the Eunuch)
The Eunuch (Now teasing): "Kya re...Dena...kya dekhta hain" (Meaning - Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me).
The Eunuch now went on to pull his cheeks...once.
Yakubu: "..." (with deathly rage in his eyes, looks back at the Eunuch).
The Eunuch now went on to pull his cheeks...once again.

Now I exactly don't know what Yakubu said entirely but it sounded something like below:
In total rage, he went;
(Nigeria currently has 521 languages, this was one of them and that was all I could derive of it)
And Yakubu stood...and SLAPPED the Eunuch real hard!
The remaining Eunuchs immediately responded to the sound by running out of the same door they came in from and the slapped Eunuch was out of there too getting his wig right with that helpless agonising cry, "Maara re..." (Meaning - Fuck, run).

Again Yakubu said something and obviously I couldn't make sense out of it nor could anyone. He was absolutely not rhythmic, as if trying to pacify Mr. Hyde within him. My sympathies are with Yakubu though since he was new to the country, going through a culture shock and seemed to be totally unaware of the crossdressing cult. One of those routine commuters alongside me looked at the funnier side of things and said "hehe...chakka maara". So Mumbaikars, pat your backs, you guys have been wonderful examples of tolerance and are unknowningly preaching Ahimsa!

So what happens when a Eunuch meets a Nigerian? Well, you come to know that not every guy who looks like Akon can Rap.

P.S: Buggers, don't call me racist now. I'm 100% not.

Melancholy Baby

Posted by - Rohit

"I could sense your happiness even though I was your small dot of hope and your bond to faith. Sounds of celebration, contentment, I could hear them all. We spoke about us, our lives after I arrive. Your caressing touch as you spoke to me. I wish I could touch your hands back. Early days they were, was a matter of time.

You spoke about life, I didn't know what it meant. I was still that speck within you without an identity. You spoke about Love, it sounded beautiful and you said it trancended everything. You said you loved me and that we were connected for eternity. Within you I could see myself grow. You spoke about aspirations, you spoke about potential, you spoke about dreams, you told me what life is all about, what it could be. You said I would be born to a proud Mother.

You made me hear a voice, A voice that spoke with you. Father, you spoke with her. I heard a voice full of promise, strength and ecstacy. Mother, you said our soul is connected, our hearts beat in unison and that you breathed in life, just for me.

I could sense your restlessness Mother. That deafening voice. Father, you are losing your voice to him. It is now getting stronger, I can sense him coming closer to us.  I can sense your silence. The  vociferous voice now fades. But father, what is in an identity? Why would it change anything?
I hear more sounds. I have heard these sounds before, they use to come with laughter and accolades. These voices now seem to pierce us. Mother speak. Don't let them talk into you. I can't comprehend your silence.

Where are they taking us? Your silence still palpable. I can feel that constraining grip. Talk to me.

"She is a girl" all I heard father say and you finally spoke, asking for forgiveness. "Let her live"...begging for mercy. I can sense your pain, your cry, your fright. The wounds I know I'm inflicting on you but tell me why am I doing this. Give me a chance to live.

I can hear you shout. I can hear your pain. I feel you shiver, I can feel those tremors. You are calming down, they made you calm down. Stay calm Mother, stay calm.

I would have been as beautiful as you. A deception too early to understand. The knife now stares at me. "

What is it with people quashing those lives that they deem inferior to them? An act of insecurity itself deems one inferior. What is it with people trying to abolish that same life that creates another? Let us not create ironies.

Save the girl child.