Being Mallu.

Posted by - Rohit

Every now and again one has to go through certain tyrannies in life and conform to those compelling mallu norms. These things have brought out the darkness within me and made me what I never thought of being...

A rebellious Malayalee.

Here are some facts that make one a meaner Mallu.

Your name should talk a lot about you...even your house.
Kochutandiyil Winster Thomas, a close friend of mine has his name divided into three parts, the first part signifying his house name.
This is a security loop hole that our Mallu ancestors forgot to give a good thought to. Who on earth wants to showcase an address in a name?
"Tera Naam kya hain?"
"F-5/0:2 Navaratnavasi Rohit Ramachandran Nair"

Should like Sreesanth...yeah, right.
I remember my father not talking to me when I did not react after Sreesanth hit Andre Nel for a six.

Should find Sreesanth it anything.
I remember my father not talking for additional 2 days as I reacted on Sreesanth's dance after he hit Andre Nel for a six.

Should watch Idea Star Singer.
My parents have tried to force me in to watching this Malayalam version of Sa re ga ma. I used to watch it, the whole thing actually (including the berformance round [sic]). It's an endurance test for your patience. I found Ranjini HOT though. I watched them regularly...until...

You should not find Ranjini HOT.
You should concentrate on the music and not on the host. Once my parents found me watching Star Singer with my mouth open (almost drooling). I've been banned ever since.

You should be a communist.
I could write and spell Karl Marx when I was 4. I read 'The Communist Manifesto' when I was 7. My father made me wear only red t-shirts and shorts on most occasions saying even Santa and Superman wear red.

Never refer anyone as Uncle and Aunties.
"Monu, it's Ungle and Andy".

Your petname has to be Monu.
Yes that the default petname mallu boys are entitled to (should read it as "Monyu"). Girls get "Molu"

If you are a mallu Uncle you should be the commitee member of at least one Malayali Association.
Was walking besides a park with my Dad when a little (dedh shaana) toddler  called out "Uncle ball...". I wanted to believe he wasn't referring me, my Dad thought otherwise. He enrolled me into a Malayalee Samajam.

Should have a Mallu friend circle.
I'm allowed to hangout with Umesh Nair, Rajiv Nair, Winster Thomas, Nishant Kuttan, Prashant Namboodri, etc. The rest non mallus can only talk on phone.
Umesh Nair is allowed to be my best friend since his native place is closest to mine. Plus in his family everyone has name starting with "U": Umesh, Usha, Uma, Ulhasnagar, UWhatever, etc.
Roaming out with Non mallus is nothing short of blasphemy.

Every mallu should hate Harbhajan Singh.
Abey?!! He leads Mumbai Indians!! Plus that moron (Sree kuttan) stopped dancing on the field since then. That's the best god damned thing to have happenned. My Dad didn't talk to me for 2 days when Mumbai Indians won the Champions League.

Should believe Anju Bobby George is their no.1 athlete, second is Sreesanth.
Anju Bobby George has Mr. Bobby George to believe that, why me? Take a walk Sreesanth. I believe Anna Kournikova is no.1

You should be able to lick your elbow.
We mallus once featured in Ripley's for this unique ability. The episode was named "For the love of Food". Don't believe me do you? Too many Malayalee Sadhyas (Feast) should make it possible for you. And you should try drinking Butter Milk shaping your palm into a waati...

Should watch at least one malayalam show on TV.
I would watch the 11:30 PM news every Saturday on Surya TV, by then Dad would doze off thinking of a Son who seems to be pretty concerned about Kerela and it's communism. I waited for 12:30. Needless to say...Shakeela is a Rockstar.

I believe you could now see the standards I'm bound to.
I hope you believe me when I say I'm part of something that is much more complicated than freemasonry with highly convoluted scripts and texts.
So what if I'm an insurgent, respect me as soon as I say, "I'm a Malayalee".

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  1. Too good..wrapped the truth in a funny lines..;)

  2. haha.... too good rohit.... I agree that ranjini haridas is hot until she starts yapping , and ya sadly surya tv people have scrapped late night shakeela movies.

  3. Well said mate!
    There are reasons why we rebel our parents (they teach us everything (well almost), and expect us to learn); When we do learn and react, they fear that we would dump them into an old age home! :-(

  4. hahaha! rolling with laughter! this was too funny! Keep it up, "F-5/0:2 Navaratnavasi Rohit Ramachandran Nair". :-D

  5. And you forgot All the Malayalee samajam get togethers :) How could you Monyu ???!!!!

    1. That would have made me cry while writing and I would have induced even darker protocols of our brotherhood :(

  6. Hilarious.. LOL :)... I could relate to most of the things mentioned in this article since the same happens with Konkanis settled in Kerala...

  7. Great stuff here. Simbly good stuff.

  8. as a fellow Mallu, totally agree with this.. awesome write up :) great sense of humor/reality observation :))

  9. Hahaha, totally true..funny, and true.

  10. Well said friend. You forgot to mention our trump card of cent percent literacy. Just check this typical conversation when any other state person tries to tell anything good about his state:

    "We have a great infrastructure making many multinational industries to settle in our state."

    "Do your state have cent percent literacy?"

    "Nope. I think its somewhere around 60%."

    "Then Chup... You bewakoof."

    1. hahaha!! Hilarious! I should have added this though :D

  11. Us not-living-in-Kerala people have a difficult life.

    Let's not forget our films. For some reason we think we're the ones that invented comedy and only our comedy is funny as funny intended to be.

    Oh well. I could go on, and you'd probably get it too.

    Fun post.

    1. Yes Shruthi, I can feel what you are going through! :)

  12. So damn true... Very well written, seems like you have spoken your heart out. Loved it!!!

  13. Awesome... absolutely hilarious but it is what we Mallus r... guess it doesnt change for the older generation... but some part of our generation who doesnt want to question this would continue to follow it... :)

  14. i just couldnt stop laughing!! hahaah... its soo much fun being around mallus :P :P hilarious :D

  15. Nice one... An inside view to Mallu culture......
    Also feel very sorry for you.....

  16. LOL!Great post!This is absolutely hilarious.You seem to be die-hard Ranjini fan :P

  17. awesome... i agree completely... i m a misfit mallu girl by any norm n fact that my mallu accent is off doesn't help in d least. Ur post was fun!Keep up d good work :)

  18. This post cracks me up every single time! "complicated than freemasonry" did the trick just now. :D

  19. ROFLOL... never looked at the address tag to the name; the way you did... keep it going...

  20. Haha.. Can so relate with this.. Its kind of a relief to know this happens with others too!! ;)

  21. very well written. Can relate to this very much.

    Here is an interesting link

  22. Absolutely Hilarious...! #ROFL

  23. I loved that "ungle" and "andy" part.....also we come to oafice in an oato!! :D

  24. i loved the stuff about the name as my cousin's full name is as follows (which is in the passport)

    Payingattery parakkemethal lakshminarayanan vinod kumar iyer
    (place) (family) (father's name) (actual name)

  25. I stumbled upon your blog while looking for ideas for products for Ad-mad competition. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your article on ads but this one article reminded me of all the arguments I've had with one of my mallu friends whose name has his house name in it and who's also a part of various Mallu cultural societies. As far as I know I'm his only non-Mallu friend. I was uttering " So true" after reading every line.

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