Every now and again one has to go through certain tyrannies in life and conform to those compelling mallu norms. These things have brought out the darkness within me and made me what I never thought of being...
A rebellious Malayalee.
Here are some facts that make one a meaner Mallu.
Your name should talk a lot about you...even your house.
Kochutandiyil Winster Thomas, a close friend of mine has his name divided into three parts, the first part signifying his house name.
This is a security loop hole that our Mallu ancestors forgot to give a good thought to. Who on earth wants to showcase an address in a name?
"Tera Naam kya hain?"
"F-5/0:2 Navaratnavasi Rohit Ramachandran Nair"
Should like Sreesanth...yeah, right.
I remember my father not talking to me when I did not react after Sreesanth hit Andre Nel for a six.
Should find Sreesanth cool...be it anything.
I remember my father not talking for additional 2 days as I reacted on Sreesanth's dance after he hit Andre Nel for a six.
Should watch Idea Star Singer.
My parents have tried to force me in to watching this Malayalam version of Sa re ga ma. I used to watch it, the whole thing actually (including the berformance round [sic]). It's an endurance test for your patience. I found Ranjini HOT though. I watched them regularly...until...
You should not find Ranjini HOT.
You should concentrate on the music and not on the host. Once my parents found me watching Star Singer with my mouth open (almost drooling). I've been banned ever since.
You should be a communist.
I could write and spell Karl Marx when I was 4. I read 'The Communist Manifesto' when I was 7. My father made me wear only red t-shirts and shorts on most occasions saying even Santa and Superman wear red.
Never refer anyone as Uncle and Aunties.
"Monu, it's Ungle and Andy".
Your petname has to be Monu.
Yes that the default petname mallu boys are entitled to (should read it as "Monyu"). Girls get "Molu"
If you are a mallu Uncle you should be the commitee member of at least one Malayali Association.
Was walking besides a park with my Dad when a little (dedh shaana) toddler called out "Uncle ball...". I wanted to believe he wasn't referring me, my Dad thought otherwise. He enrolled me into a Malayalee Samajam.
Should have a Mallu friend circle.
I'm allowed to hangout with Umesh Nair, Rajiv Nair, Winster Thomas, Nishant Kuttan, Prashant Namboodri, etc. The rest non mallus can only talk on phone.
Umesh Nair is allowed to be my best friend since his native place is closest to mine. Plus in his family everyone has name starting with "U": Umesh, Usha, Uma, Ulhasnagar, UWhatever, etc.
Roaming out with Non mallus is nothing short of blasphemy.
Every mallu should hate Harbhajan Singh.
Abey?!! He leads Mumbai Indians!! Plus that moron (Sree kuttan) stopped dancing on the field since then. That's the best god damned thing to have happenned. My Dad didn't talk to me for 2 days when Mumbai Indians won the Champions League.
Should believe Anju Bobby George is their no.1 athlete, second is Sreesanth.
Anju Bobby George has Mr. Bobby George to believe that, why me? Take a walk Sreesanth. I believe Anna Kournikova is no.1
You should be able to lick your elbow.
We mallus once featured in Ripley's for this unique ability. The episode was named "For the love of Food". Don't believe me do you? Too many Malayalee Sadhyas (Feast) should make it possible for you. And you should try drinking Butter Milk shaping your palm into a waati...
Should watch at least one malayalam show on TV.
I would watch the 11:30 PM news every Saturday on Surya TV, by then Dad would doze off thinking of a Son who seems to be pretty concerned about Kerela and it's communism. I waited for 12:30. Needless to say...Shakeela is a Rockstar.
I believe you could now see the standards I'm bound to.
I hope you believe me when I say I'm part of something that is much more complicated than freemasonry with highly convoluted scripts and texts.
So what if I'm an insurgent, respect me as soon as I say, "I'm a Malayalee".