It's Friday? It's more than that.

Posted by - Rohit

We've all heard Rebecca Black sing and we have all ridiculed her no bounds. But if you carefully listen to each and every verse of that song you'll know it's more than just a routine song. There's more to that angelic face. There's more to that innocent smile. My findings after profusely listening to Rebecca.

For all those who haven't seen the video yet. Please do

Here goes...

(Yeah, Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ark)
Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah


It's a painful cry. You can literally feel the pain in here. Most of you must have switched off the TV and started gasping for breath by now. It's horrifying already and only the courageous carry on. But I still can't comprehend what that pain is about.

7am, waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)

That voice, I know when one sounds like that, it's when you get constipated and I think my conviction is true in here because of the painful cry initially and there's too much "gotta" in the above verses. Is she referring to "Jamal Gotta"? Does she have Indian roots? How on earth does she know about Jamal Gotta? What is she trying to convey?
Or wait, Gotta could be an imaginary friend, "Gotta, have my bowl. Gotta have cereal, Gotta get down to the bus stop". Good lord! The kid is possessed.
God, she is brilliant already.

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

 Does she have RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome)? Kicking in the front seat from the back seat has to be involuntary of course. Plus she wants to make up her mind whether she would love sitting in the back seat or kick the front seat. There is something wrong with this Kid. And oh, there's Gotta again.

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

It's FRIDAY. Something is not right, Gotta will get down on Friday and will wait for the weekend. The girl seems to have no feelings at all, she is as numb as a dumb cow. She has just one expression as she says "Friday, Friday", with her nodding head. What are you going through kid? Wish I could know.

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

The girl here is sufferring from "I-Can't-Say-G-at-the-end-of-a-word" syndrome as she waits for the weekend and says manuevering marvelously with her expressionless expressions. She is troubled and suffering. Watch her as she says..."Fun, fun, fun, fun" resonates like a gong in your ears. It's sadistic fun that she calls for.

7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway
Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right
I got this, you got this
Now you know it

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

She is out on a prowl and it's only 7:45. She mentions about a friend with her on her right, quite skillfully she hasn't mentioned anything about it. And with that scary monotone she is still kicking around for some reason from the back seat on the front seat. Moreover, Gotta is still around. This is already a well crafted song.

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after...wards
I don’t want this weekend to end

Why on earth would a 14 year old try to memorize days of the week and want a ball? Or she reminding us about a weekend where she and her friend is going to create havoc?
I feel bad for this kid as she stammers (i-is, we-we) with that monotone and still cribs about the weekend and yes the "I-Can't-Say-G-at-the-end-of-a-word" syndrome still haunts her. Sigh.

R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin’ in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I’m drivin’, cruisin’ (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin’ lanes
Wit’ a car up on my side (Woo!)
(C’mon) Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it’s Friday, it’s a weekend
We gonna have fun, c’mon, c’mon, y’all

Now she has an accomplice too (where on earth did he come from?). Plus if you have a good look, that guy looks more like an Indian rather than a Black American. Is he, what I think he is. Is he Gotta?
Plus these melee of lines...I just can't understand. It sounds like English, it just isn't. He says he is passing by a school bus that goes "tick-tock". What kind of a school bus is that? Where are you from Gotta?

I believe this is the best I could do now. I can't comprehend what this song is about but I think I have my own conclusions for this beautiful blend of emotionless emotions created by Miss Black.
So Rebecca Black is a possessed girl, suffering from constipation, Restless leg syndrome and "I-Can't-Say-G-at-the-end-of-a-word" syndrome. She has an imaginary Wannabe Cool, Marathi friend named "Gotya" who can rap too but British accent makes it "Gotta". They both are set to make your weekends dark.

My friend Siddharth Deshpande had once mentioned about a research wherein a Cat's poo supposedly contained a parasite that controlled people's brain and their behaviour, this song is as deadly as that parasite. It sticks in your head.

P.P.S: I hate her.
P.P.P.S: She only blinked 7 times in the entire video.

Beauty and the Sys-Ad.

Posted by - Rohit

So let me give you some gyaan as to what my profession is all about. I currently work with Directi as a System Administrator (If you really liked my picture alongside you would have known this by now). I had a brief stint of say 2 years as a PHP and Perl developer but something happened and I got infatuated with servers and Linux primarily. Plus knowledge of PHP and Perl would have added to my arsenal of Dedh Shaanagiri (roughly means over smartness) and there I was, a System Administrator at Directi.

So I never exactly knew what was the distinction between a Developer and a System Administrator. The day I got my offer letter my brother in law asked me -
"Did you ask the interviewers any questions?"
I said "Yes, I did".
"Was food really free here?"

Being a System Administrator has sought a different experience as compared to what I previously had. There is constant pressure to get things done. There are constant 11th hour requirements. You basically need to be on your toes. Multitasking,  patience, diplomacy, pressure handling and firefighting is what you get to learn from this profession. I firmly believe that this experience would help me manage fights between my potential wife and my mom, I probably won't faint if my wife has a fling with someone else as I'll be good at 'multitasking' by then.

Well, somewhere within I always wanted be a System Admin because I was accustomed to the word UNIX at a very young age, because my Dad too was a System Admin. Yes I'm a second generation System Administrator.

Cool...aren't I? (Before)

 Plus I thought we really had a good abbreviation for System Admininstrators, Sys-Ads. Cool, isn't it? But this interpretation was totally battered and bruised, misinterpreted, misread. When I was about to leave for home through a drop arranged by office. The driver asked me -
"Sir, which deparment [sic]?"
I said "Sys-Ad". Cooly.
The driver chuckled, "hehe...Susaat". That's a goddamned Marathi slang.

Hindrances like these were not even hindrances in altering my perception of my job's coolness. We used to fight hackers and attackers at times, but there were times we would just move files from one disk to the other. But even then I thought we were cool and so were my fellow sysads.
Every time and again my colleague and now a very close friend Abhinav Sethi (now married...not to me) would constantly tell me (before marriage and after too) - "Dude our work is cool, we do the cool stuff, we've got matrix like screens, we are pretty awesome on the keyboard, we use cool jargons, but girls just don't seem to like it. They like - the Devs (Developers)".
And I would go, " kidding me? We are 'techies' boss. We are good". Abhinav would most of the time end the conversation with a smirk, as if conveying "You'll know".

So this is one incident that really made Abhinav's smirk a whole hearted laugh...for him of course.

So I was still reeling under my new found coolness and was leaving from work, with my Sennheisers and a trendy side bag for my Kindle. I had just left the gate when a girl from office waved me from an auto-rickshaw -
"Are you going to the Station?"
I said - "Yes..."
"I'm on my way there too, hop in."
"Ohh...thanks a ton"
And in my thoughts I said - "Get a life Sethi".
My confidence was at an all time high as the girl was cute and it's not always that a girl acts so courteously.
We introduced ourselves -
"I'm Rohit"
"I'm (girl's name withheld just so that I don't get smacked on my face later on)".

The next thing she asked me -
"Are you a Dev?"
"'m a Sys-Ad"
"A..a System Administrator..."
"Ohh...Sys Ad."

And then we walked towards our common platform and finally bid each other good bye before I let some stupid gender specific compartmentalization seperate us.
Well some more days I couldn't see her around and then one fine day I finally did when she turned her sight right away from me before I could even say 'hi'. I thought maybe she didn't recognize me. And then it happened again, she looked away. I was nearly shattered and I still told myself it's just not because you are a Sys-Ad. Maybe she genuinely must not have recognized me.
And then one day she was waving vigorously at me. I knew this was my misconception all the while, what has my being a sysad got to do with anything. So I waved her back, just when she said -
"Oh no no...Clifford Clifford".
She wasn't waving at me, she was waving at Clifford standing right behind me, who is not even a Developer.

Well I don't carry my Kindle these days to work, I just don't think it's really that cool. I seldom carry my sidebag now.
I vividly remember that I, back then, for all the right reasons was sulking, whereas my good old friend Abhinav was walking tall with his smirk as if to convey, "I knew it and I told you."

Am I still cool? (After...whatever)

So as far as my job is concerned, do I still find it cool? Well...uh...yes ofcourse I do. What if some girl doesn't? It's still the coolest. What you don't believe me? Come on it's really cool. Trust me, it's a cool job...ahhh forget it.

P.S: I don't remember if it was Clifford behind me, but he fits in properly :)
P.P.S: Directi is by far one of the finest places to work (and this is just not the Diplomacy I learned from my profession...or is it...ahh.)

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Religious 'Com'plications.

Posted by - Rohit
My father was born to a Hindu family whereas mom, to a Muslim family. Something that we are extremely proud of. When in time these extremes were fighting for religious superiority, we were brought up in a world that made us believe that one's conscience supersedes all religion. My mom would say "No religion should kill the God within you". Right from the subtleness and smoothness of Sheer Khurma to the crispy crumbly Shankarpali, we've had it all. What we learnt at an early age was that there was more than mere religious diversity that bound us all.

That's one reason why we are insensitive towards any religious jibes made at us.

And when I say religious jibes, let me get back to my friend Umesh.

(I'm all set to fly onto a different tangent from here now.)

Umesh is one guy who would 'create' undefined, unheard, unmatched, unimaginable and unwanted humour anywhere and under any circumstance. His range varies from  current affairs to past affairs, legal and illegal affairs or his own affair. Impromptu is all that he is.

On our trip to Sabari Mala (a religious place in Kerala and a huge competitor of Tirupathi) we had to halt by every known, famous, really old temples. These temples were characterised by fanaticism, to define them. You could find trees full of nails and they were supposedly hammered in by the many so called 'possessed' devotees using nothing but their head. So all you, so called metal heads, this is what head banging is all about. What you do is just similar to playing an Air Guitar. Well I never bought these stories of banging nails and I still don't.
But we had our own way to perceive things in a very uncomplicated manner, something akin to what Umesh used to say looking at these overenthusiastic morons -
"Item log hain bey"...

While moving towards Sabari Mala, our bus driver would play 'Ayappan Devotional' songs. Everybody would go in a trance, everyone. Umesh and myself were sitting in the last row, witnessing the devotees' feeling of peace and tranquil. Those songs could be comprehended as LOUD, gaudy, pompous or just call them plainly unbearable (I would rather listen to a duet by Britany Spears and Christina Aguilera). These songs are supposed to give you immense peace, calm just like the early morning Azaan, the reverberations of choir in a Church or Ganaraj Adhiraj sung by Shankar Mahadevan. But they were just the opposite, it had too much Shehnai (reminded me of Himesh most of the time (Another reason to hate it altogether)).
So we had to counter this exemplification of loud musical melodrama.
Don't know what happened next Umesh started dancing to these tunes and moves which had long back lost it's popularity. Umesh the outdated dancer. He was doing the invisible rope pull, the invisible glass slide and the wave of which even I was a part of. Yes he was dancing to Ayyapa's tunes. Imagine someone moon walking with the Gayatri Mantra in the background, this was as bad as that.
Impromptu madness.

But the most vivid memories of Umesh's knack of taking on the theatrics that piggybacks itself along with religion was after the movie Aamir had released.
The movie was characterised with a whole lot of Urdu words. Some words like 'Qom' which means community and 'Mazhab' which means religion were given a lot of emphasis in the movie as the whole movie revolved around these words.

So right after the movie Umesh would ask me, 'tera "Qom" kya hain bey' as if to mock the zealot portrayed in the movie.
He would don that avatar every now and again. For instance when I asked him to pay up for the Vada Pav we just gulped he would say "Mere Mazhab mein yeh sab nahi hota" (means the religion I follow doesn't allow me to pay  for others).
If he would find me doing something really indifferent, he would go "Tera Qom mein aisa hi hota hain kya?".
Yes he is a drama queen.
I would never feel bad about this since I knew his intent wasn't to make me feel bad about the same or disrespect any religion but only to emphasize the dramatics portrayed in the film.
This would continue for many more days, months and years to come and he was gaining popularity within our circle as he kept maneuvering with Hindi and Urdu. That's when he took this humour to work as well.

He went on to ask one of his colleagues, "Bol Saale tera Qom kya hain?".
The bewildered colleague had no idea what Umesh was so hyper about.
Umesh amused by his perplex went even harder this time -
"Bol na Saale tera Qom kya hain?"


"B-COM hain re, kuch panga hain kya?"

Umesh never reconciled with those words again, that was it :)

But that's Umesh for you, he won't stop. Rumour has it, he was learning something about Zoroastrianism...probably sharpening his humour.

Moral of the Story: Religion is good, until it's simple, uncomplicated, kept to oneself and not enforced and if it does cross the line, disentangle this convolution or call up Umesh.

P.S: So far my family comprises of Nairs, Nayaks, Noranhos and Mohammeds. This gives us many more excuses for holidays and celebrations :) (Yes a different tangent again couldn't resist though.)

Being Mallu.

Posted by - Rohit

Every now and again one has to go through certain tyrannies in life and conform to those compelling mallu norms. These things have brought out the darkness within me and made me what I never thought of being...

A rebellious Malayalee.

Here are some facts that make one a meaner Mallu.

Your name should talk a lot about you...even your house.
Kochutandiyil Winster Thomas, a close friend of mine has his name divided into three parts, the first part signifying his house name.
This is a security loop hole that our Mallu ancestors forgot to give a good thought to. Who on earth wants to showcase an address in a name?
"Tera Naam kya hain?"
"F-5/0:2 Navaratnavasi Rohit Ramachandran Nair"

Should like Sreesanth...yeah, right.
I remember my father not talking to me when I did not react after Sreesanth hit Andre Nel for a six.

Should find Sreesanth it anything.
I remember my father not talking for additional 2 days as I reacted on Sreesanth's dance after he hit Andre Nel for a six.

Should watch Idea Star Singer.
My parents have tried to force me in to watching this Malayalam version of Sa re ga ma. I used to watch it, the whole thing actually (including the berformance round [sic]). It's an endurance test for your patience. I found Ranjini HOT though. I watched them regularly...until...

You should not find Ranjini HOT.
You should concentrate on the music and not on the host. Once my parents found me watching Star Singer with my mouth open (almost drooling). I've been banned ever since.

You should be a communist.
I could write and spell Karl Marx when I was 4. I read 'The Communist Manifesto' when I was 7. My father made me wear only red t-shirts and shorts on most occasions saying even Santa and Superman wear red.

Never refer anyone as Uncle and Aunties.
"Monu, it's Ungle and Andy".

Your petname has to be Monu.
Yes that the default petname mallu boys are entitled to (should read it as "Monyu"). Girls get "Molu"

If you are a mallu Uncle you should be the commitee member of at least one Malayali Association.
Was walking besides a park with my Dad when a little (dedh shaana) toddler  called out "Uncle ball...". I wanted to believe he wasn't referring me, my Dad thought otherwise. He enrolled me into a Malayalee Samajam.

Should have a Mallu friend circle.
I'm allowed to hangout with Umesh Nair, Rajiv Nair, Winster Thomas, Nishant Kuttan, Prashant Namboodri, etc. The rest non mallus can only talk on phone.
Umesh Nair is allowed to be my best friend since his native place is closest to mine. Plus in his family everyone has name starting with "U": Umesh, Usha, Uma, Ulhasnagar, UWhatever, etc.
Roaming out with Non mallus is nothing short of blasphemy.

Every mallu should hate Harbhajan Singh.
Abey?!! He leads Mumbai Indians!! Plus that moron (Sree kuttan) stopped dancing on the field since then. That's the best god damned thing to have happenned. My Dad didn't talk to me for 2 days when Mumbai Indians won the Champions League.

Should believe Anju Bobby George is their no.1 athlete, second is Sreesanth.
Anju Bobby George has Mr. Bobby George to believe that, why me? Take a walk Sreesanth. I believe Anna Kournikova is no.1

You should be able to lick your elbow.
We mallus once featured in Ripley's for this unique ability. The episode was named "For the love of Food". Don't believe me do you? Too many Malayalee Sadhyas (Feast) should make it possible for you. And you should try drinking Butter Milk shaping your palm into a waati...

Should watch at least one malayalam show on TV.
I would watch the 11:30 PM news every Saturday on Surya TV, by then Dad would doze off thinking of a Son who seems to be pretty concerned about Kerela and it's communism. I waited for 12:30. Needless to say...Shakeela is a Rockstar.

I believe you could now see the standards I'm bound to.
I hope you believe me when I say I'm part of something that is much more complicated than freemasonry with highly convoluted scripts and texts.
So what if I'm an insurgent, respect me as soon as I say, "I'm a Malayalee".

The Reproductive System.

Posted by - Rohit

To tell you a bit about Ajit Kumar Singh, he has a unique sense of humour which on most of the cases can be comprehended as senseless. His attempts to humour at times are so irrelevant that people who don't know him would give a blank stare to people who knew him as if to convey "Are you serious about this guy?". And the people who knew him would exchange looks with him which conveyed "That was pathetic but boy...I loved it".
During our higher secondary days, Ajit and I would sit together initially. He then shifted a bench behind to so that he could pass on a smile or two to his girlfriend and most of the times receive chits with corny one liners from her.

His English was as bad as his Marathi was. His lines, "Oh whaaat it is?" and then replying back to his own question "It is what that you have seen" have legendary status.
Once he was reprimanded by our English teacher, which was no surprise. Ajit was most of the time under his line of fire as he always came up with a language that sounded like English but wasn't English but was immensely popular than English.
He was taken to the Principal by the professor. The professor went on with profuse complaints. Ajit heard. The professor continued. Ajit still hearing. The professor went on. That was it. Ajit couldn't take it any more and said -

"Arey Sir, I say sorry 100 times...but also he is not listen".

I still remember during our chemistry lectures, our professor would talk a lot about Methyl Chloride and I don't know why there was a lot of Methyl involved in our chemistry lectures, but the best part was the professor would read 'Methyl' as 'Maythil' portraying true Marathi traits. That was enough for Ajit to go ballistic over. He would involve 'Maythil' everywhere he could.

'Tu tiffin mein Maythil ka bhaaji laaya hain naa?'

A classmate named Mithila would be referred as "Maythila".

'Maythalica', 'Maythil Chloride', etc.
But his favourite one would be 'Maythil morning Ma'am'...and he would laugh...all alone. We would stare at each other and say "Is this guy for real?". There was something about him which would topple us out of our seats. His jokes never sounded right, but we loved it for some reason and he would compel us to laugh with him.

The best memory for me regarding Ajit would be a moment where in he defied God to say what he said. Totally blasphemous and one that  vilified our biology books for years to come.

It was our Biology class and we for the first time were dealing with the human Reproductive system. We were expected to act as mature individuals, as human genitals would be frequently referred. Our teachers definitely wanted to stay away from embarrassment as at times a student may bring out his/ her (mostly his) sexual frustrations out and make the professor look like a counselor.  Prior to it all we were told "Personal questions are to be dealt with later".

The mentality of our teachers could be compared to the members of a censor board taking their jobs way too seriously.

So to people who, for the right reasons didn't pursue Biology in school (and who obviously aren't from a Science background) let me give you a low down as to what some of the terms are.
(Please understand them as mature individuals :) )
So the testis is component of the male reproductive system where as the ovary is the component of female reproductive system. That's all you need to know now :)

"The Physiological changes that can occur in a fertile woman for the purpose of sexual reproduction and fertilization is termed as" - the professor asked.
Menstrual Cycle was the answer. But the word seemed too big for Ajit and he said -

"Manchurian Cycle".

Those who heard were in a frenzy, I was laughing my ass out, tears oozing out now. The professor knew Ajit was the one as he wasn't laughing at all, it all seemed normal and 'correct' and he would ask me 'Kya hass raha hain be Mallu?'.

The professor came close to him now with the 'Male' Reproductive system's chart in her hands.
"You think you are too funny, huh?"
"Ma'am I ..."
She now pointed to a part in the chart.
"Tell me what is this?"
Ajit with the world of overconfidence said -
It worked, he was right.

The professor now pointing her ruler half an in inch away from the testis (in the chart of course), asked.
"And what is this?"

Ajit with some doubt, but the look on his face would give one a feeling that the guy could create the human reproductive system with his eyes closed and using his wrong hand.
He said -

"Simple...Ovary hain".

That was it. Madness everywhere. High fives, low fives, people going under the bench.
He had just given a glimpse of his broad mindedness, he recognised two reproductive organs in a single gender, something even a transvestite won't possess.
The professor smacked his arm with the steel ruler and responded "Hut...besharam". Ajit was thrown out!!

In life one would usually encounter someone who etches memories that would always emit a chuckle out. Here's a guy, who's thought leaves your surrounding resonating with laughter.

(For the record, Ajit was the only one short listed to have a one on one interview with the General Manager of Nutrela, currently works at Reliance Life Sciences and still remains one of my closest friends.)


Posted by - Rohit

Only feathers when I saw your dark eyes.
Blinfolded by vanity,
You didn't see me breathe in life.
I saw what you did.
I wanted to fly, I had no wings,
you clawed me back.
I wish I could fly.

Your feathers though withering didn't care for mine.
Part of a play, I didn't want to be.
You commanded to stop, wrath soothed me.
A feeble voice never could overlay yours.
I wish I could fly.

Audiences galore, ridiculed every move.
They've heard me sing,
Every step in the sun, blew me to the dark
Every step in the dark, cast vivid light.
I quiver in silence.
Where do I fly?

I dig inside, I find none.
Fire within has no fury.
grit that doesn't match yours.
My strides fall short, don't live up to your steps.
The flock won't wait.

There's more to see,
I fly higher, my wings sinewy
Out of your sight.
A small dot, you still have me chained.
I cut my wings, I cut your chain,
I fly in peace.